Deer Hunting

Want to have fun? What is "fun"? Webster defines "fun" as "something that provides mirth or amusement; enjoyment; playfulness." To me, gardening and producing edibles is "fun" but I often feel that I am missing a "fun" thing by not going deer hunting. After all it must be "fun" because every other person in Texas does it. So I decided to have some "fun", abandon my vegetarian lifestyle for carnivorism.

I took to the woods in search of that elusive prey. As I perched in a small hut referred to as a deer blind awaiting the arrival of an innocent victim, I had an abundance of time to contemplate such things as the true meaning of life, my contributions to the universe, why football players are paid more than television anchorpersons, is my marriage really fulfilling and, most of all, why am I doing this. I seriously considered the condition of my mental health. Would a sane person be up at this hour of the morning, sitting in a small hut which is as dark as death and as cold as ice, waiting in the tomb-like silence for a peaceful beast to unsuspectingly stroll by and be confronted with the destiny of the bullet? Is 60 pounds of black meat worth all of this? Of course it is! This is "fun"! Besides it is not as violent as gardening which I know is "fun."

Gardening is gory business! Gardeners should never criticize deer hunters. At least deer hunters kill their prey before they eat it. Did you kill the last tomato you ate? No you didn't! You may have picked the tomato but a vegetable is still a living, breathing (respiring) entity when you eat it. Now, how do you feel, you animal!

Some gardeners consider the preparation of an animal carcass disgusting. Yet these are the same people who gut their zucchini squash before stuffing it with meat. These are the same people who skin their tomatoes-often using the term "peel" to disguise the dastardly act. Those who don't skin their tomatoes are just as bad. They slice the flesh and devour the meat of the living plant fruit. Some more sadistic types throw the tomatoes in a pot of boiling water then delight in easily slipping their skins off. These are the same people who joyfully eat the heart out of the watermelon after cutting its belly open with a butcher knife. Royalty had better beware also. I have heard that some gardeners grab the crown and jerk the roots out. That can't make carrots and beets feel too good! I have heard of gardeners who pull the ears off of corn and eat them. Some of these folks boil the ears of corn but some actually eat them raw. Some people think nothing of cutting a head of lettuce or snapping the head of a cabbage, chopping it up and eating it raw. These same folks probably jerk the baby heads off of Brussels sprouts too. These perverts probably even eat kidney beans and drink pea soup. Yuk!

Since I have proven myself to be a capable gardener, I guess that I am ready to have "fun" hunting too. I can hardly wait until that black-meat beast walks by. I will blast his carcass with precision fire power which would be the envy of Rambo himself. Will he have a chance of survival? Of course he will-much better than a tomato. And, judging from most of the hunting stories I have been told, the beast will probably be traveling at 40 miles an hour about 400 yards away when I open fire and blast his heart out. Is all of this insane? It can't be-everyone does it and pays for the "fun". And besides it is sanctioned in the Bible!

I feel better now. Bring on the meat! Bambi beware! I can almost taste those sautéed horns now! And, for all of you gardeners who are jealous because I am having so much "fun", go ahead and buy a jeep to pull behind your car, prop a watermelon up in the front seat or tie it on the front, and drive around town. You will quickly realize that the aura of machismo is not the same. Eat your heart out!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Dr. Parsons was recently removed from a deer blind in a catatonic condition. This column was found at his side. He was treated at a local sanitarium and has been released on the condition that he stays out of dark deer blinds and continues his supervised gardening activities. Hunters beware: Too much secluded thinking time could be hazardous to your health!