Want to have fun? What is "fun"? Webster defines
"fun" as "something that provides mirth or amusement;
enjoyment; playfulness." To me, gardening and producing
edibles is "fun" but I often feel that I am missing
a "fun" thing by not going deer hunting. After all
it must be "fun" because every other person in Texas
does it. So I decided to have some "fun", abandon
my vegetarian lifestyle for carnivorism.
I took to the woods in search of that elusive prey. As I perched
in a small hut referred to as a deer blind awaiting the arrival
of an innocent victim, I had an abundance of time to contemplate
such things as the true meaning of life, my contributions to
the universe, why football players are paid more than television
anchorpersons, is my marriage really fulfilling and, most of
all, why am I doing this. I seriously considered the condition
of my mental health. Would a sane person be up at this hour
of the morning, sitting in a small hut which is as dark as death
and as cold as ice, waiting in the tomb-like silence for a peaceful
beast to unsuspectingly stroll by and be confronted with the
destiny of the bullet? Is 60 pounds of black meat worth all
of this? Of course it is! This is "fun"! Besides it
is not as violent as gardening which I know is "fun."
Gardening is gory business! Gardeners should never criticize
deer hunters. At least deer hunters kill their prey before they
eat it. Did you kill the last tomato you ate? No you didn't!
You may have picked the tomato but a vegetable is still a living,
breathing (respiring) entity when you eat it. Now, how do you
feel, you animal!
Some gardeners consider the preparation of an animal carcass
disgusting. Yet these are the same people who gut their zucchini
squash before stuffing it with meat. These are the same people
who skin their tomatoes-often using the term "peel"
to disguise the dastardly act. Those who don't skin their tomatoes
are just as bad. They slice the flesh and devour the meat of
the living plant fruit. Some more sadistic types throw the tomatoes
in a pot of boiling water then delight in easily slipping their
skins off. These are the same people who joyfully eat the heart
out of the watermelon after cutting its belly open with a butcher
knife. Royalty had better beware also. I have heard that some
gardeners grab the crown and jerk the roots out. That can't
make carrots and beets feel too good! I have heard of gardeners
who pull the ears off of corn and eat them. Some of these folks
boil the ears of corn but some actually eat them raw. Some people
think nothing of cutting a head of lettuce or snapping the head
of a cabbage, chopping it up and eating it raw. These same folks
probably jerk the baby heads off of Brussels sprouts too. These
perverts probably even eat kidney beans and drink pea soup.
Since I have proven myself to be a capable gardener, I guess
that I am ready to have "fun" hunting too. I can hardly
wait until that black-meat beast walks by. I will blast his
carcass with precision fire power which would be the envy of
Rambo himself. Will he have a chance of survival? Of course
he will-much better than a tomato. And, judging from most of
the hunting stories I have been told, the beast will probably
be traveling at 40 miles an hour about 400 yards away when I
open fire and blast his heart out. Is all of this insane? It
can't be-everyone does it and pays for the "fun".
And besides it is sanctioned in the Bible!
I feel better now. Bring on the meat! Bambi beware! I can almost
taste those sautéed horns now! And, for all of you gardeners
who are jealous because I am having so much "fun",
go ahead and buy a jeep to pull behind your car, prop a watermelon
up in the front seat or tie it on the front, and drive around
town. You will quickly realize that the aura of machismo is
not the same. Eat your heart out!
EDITOR'S NOTE: Dr. Parsons was recently removed from a deer
blind in a catatonic condition. This column was found at his
side. He was treated at a local sanitarium and has been released
on the condition that he stays out of dark deer blinds and continues
his supervised gardening activities. Hunters beware: Too much
secluded thinking time could be hazardous to your health!